{EE102331-33DD-4C5E-A255-C41C70ECC475} {00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000} 2 0 43 200 1 0 0 -2 0 0 14800 0 {7C50018F-879A-4365-9858-EFA17F795ADA} {EE102331-33DD-4C5E-A255-C41C70ECC475} FIREFOX 2006-07-26T16:23:16.937-04:00 http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ahajokes.com%2Fcom001.html 1033 1 4188 0 0 0 TEXT 4188 Types of computer viruses%0D%0AAdam and Eve virus%3A Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.%0D%0A%0D%0AAirline virus%3A You%27re in Dallas%2C but your data is in Singapore.%0D%0A%0D%0AAnita Hill virus%3A Lies dormant for ten years.%0D%0A%0D%0AArnold Schwarzenegger virus%3A Terminates and stays resident. It%27ll be back.%0D%0A%0D%0AAT%26T virus%3A Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe MCI virus%3A Every three minutes it reminds you that you%27re paying too much for the AT%26T virus.%0D%0A%0D%0ABill Clinton virus%3A This virus mutates from region to region and we%27re not exactly sure what it does.%0D%0A%0D%0ABill Clinton virus%3A Promises to give equal time to all processes%3A 50%25 to poor%2C slow processes%3B 50%25 to middle-class processes%2C and 50%25 to rich ones. This virus protests your computer%27s involvement in other computer%27s affairs%2C even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.%0D%0A%0D%0ACongressional Virus%3A Overdraws your computer.%0D%0A%0D%0ACongressional Virus%3A The computer locks up%2C screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.%0D%0A%0D%0ADan Quayle virus%3A Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.%0D%0A%0D%0ADan Quayle virus%3A Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..%0D%0A%0D%0ADavid Duke virus%3A Makes your screen go completely white.%0D%0A%0D%0AElvis virus%3A Your computer gets fat%2C slow%2C and lazy and then self destructs%2C only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.%0D%0A%0D%0AFederal bureaucrat virus%3A Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units%2C each of which do practically nothing%2C but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.%0D%0A%0D%0AFreudian virus%3A Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.%0D%0A%0D%0AGallup virus%3A Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time %28plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error%29.%0D%0A%0D%0AGeorge Bush virus%3A Doesn%27t do anything%2C but you can%27t get rid of it until November.%0D%0A%0D%0AGovernment economist virus%3A Nothing works%2C but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.%0D%0A%0D%0AJerry Brown virus%3A Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.%0D%0A%0D%0AMadonna virus%3A If your computer gets this virus%2C lock up your dog%21%0D%0A%0D%0AMario Cuomo virus%3A It would be a great virus%2C but it refuses to run.%0D%0A%0D%0AMichael Jackson virus%3A Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won%27t harm your PC%2C but it will trash your car.%0D%0A%0D%0ANew World Order virus%3A probably harmless%2C but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.%0D%0A%0D%0ANike virus%3A Just Does It%21%0D%0A%0D%0AOllie North virus%3A Turns your printer into a document shredder.%0D%0A%0D%0AOprah Winfrey virus%3A Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB%2C and then slowly expands back to 200MB.%0D%0A%0D%0APat Buchanan virus%3A Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.%0D%0A%0D%0APaul Revere virus%3A This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN%2C twice if by C%3A.%0D%0A%0D%0APaul Tsongas virus%3A Pops up on December 25 and says%2C %22I%27m not Santa Claus.%22%0D%0A%0D%0APBS virus%3A Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.%0D%0A%0D%0APolitically correct virus%3A Never calls itself a %22virus%22%2C but instead refers to itself as an %22electronic microorganism%22.%0D%0A%0D%0ARichard Nixon virus%3A Also known as the %22Tricky Dick Virus%22%2C you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.%0D%0A%0D%0ARight To Life virus%3A Won%27t allow you to delete a file%2C regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file%2C it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.%0D%0A%0D%0ARoss Perot virus%3A Activates every component in your system%2C just before the whole thing quits.%0D%0A%0D%0ATed Kennedy virus%3A Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.%0D%0A%0D%0ATed Turner virus%3A Colorizes your monochrome monitor.%0D%0A%0D%0ATerry Randle virus%3A Prints %22Oh no you don%27t%22 whenever you choose %22Abort%22 from the %22Abort%2C Retry%2C Fail%22 message.%0D%0A%0D%0ATexas virus%3A Makes sure that it%27s bigger than any other file.%0D%0A%0D%0AUK Parliament virus%3A Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.%0D%0A%0D%0AWarren Commission virus%3A Won%27t allow you to open your files for 75 years. {78DDE7A5-5097-45A9-85A9-B7843A96E407} {EE102331-33DD-4C5E-A255-C41C70ECC475} FIREFOX 2006-07-26T16:23:32.953-04:00 http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ahajokes.com%2Fcom003.html 1033 1 430 0 0 0 TEXT 430 OCR - Optical Character Recognition%0D%0A%0D%0AA technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form%2C provided they%27re in the right font%2C using the correct colors sometimes%2C at the right point size and pitch%2C dark enough on the paper%2C and you%27re prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1%27s that came out as l%27s%2C all the O%27s that came out as 0%27s%2C and all the %3A%27s that come out like %3B%27s. {67504D5D-61CF-41D3-8019-2CF5D1068A98} {EE102331-33DD-4C5E-A255-C41C70ECC475} FIREFOX 2006-07-26T16:23:40.125-04:00 http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ahajokes.com%2Fcom004.html 1033 1 713 0 0 0 TEXT 713 Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World%0D%0A10. Accidental switch back to 19%2C000 Leagues Under the Sea.%0D%0A%0D%0A9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.%0D%0A%0D%0A8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.%0D%0A%0D%0A7. The %22It%27s a Small World After All%22 creatures go on a rampage.%0D%0A%0D%0A6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting %22Kill Clinton%2C kill Clinton.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A5. When you wish upon a star%2C nothing happens.%0D%0A%0D%0A4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.%0D%0A%0D%0A3. %22Main Street Electrical Parade%22 becomes %22Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade.%22%0D%0A%0D%0A2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than %24600.%0D%0A%0D%0A1. Two words%3A catapulting teacups. {7AC7FAE6-4642-4733-AABF-7258BA757BED} {EE102331-33DD-4C5E-A255-C41C70ECC475} FIREFOX 2006-07-26T16:23:49.656-04:00 http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ahajokes.com%2Fcom005.html 1033 1 2612 0 0 0 TEXT 2612 Floppy disk care%0D%0ABy following the instructions below%2C you should have error-free%2C long-lasting floppy disks.%0D%0A%0D%0A 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive%2C as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.%0D%0A%0D%0A 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes%2C make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster%2C resulting in better access time.%0D%0A%0D%0A 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. %22Big%22 diskettes may be folded and used in %22little%22 disk drives.%0D%0A%0D%0A 4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.%0D%0A%0D%0A 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up%2C simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document%2C the data will be written on both diskettes.%0D%0A%0D%0A 6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a %22hung%22 or %22hooked%22 state. If your system is %22hooking%22 you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.%0D%0A%0D%0A 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space%2C remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough %28Data Compression%29 to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.%0D%0A%0D%0A 8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.%0D%0A%0D%0A 9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses%2C provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. %28see item 2 above%29%0D%0A%0D%0A 10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye%2C and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used%2C however%2C provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.%0D%0A%0D%0A 11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading. {A79A971E-214D-4A7F-9EEB-A8EB16654587} {EE102331-33DD-4C5E-A255-C41C70ECC475} FIREFOX 2006-07-26T16:24:13.734-04:00 http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ahajokes.com%2Fcom008.html 1033 1 1567 0 0 0 TEXT 1567 Some possible computer bumper stickers%0D%0A1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding%0D%0A%0D%0A2. %3C-------- The information went data way%0D%0A%0D%0A3. The name is Baud...James Baud.%0D%0A%0D%0A4. BUFFERS%3D20 FILES%3D15 2nd down%2C 4th quarter%2C 5 yards to go%21%0D%0A%0D%0A5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah%21%0D%0A%0D%0A6. C%3AV%3E Bad command or file name%21 Go stand in the corner.%0D%0A%0D%0A7. Southern DOS%3A Y%27all reckon%3F %28Yep%2FNope%29%0D%0A%0D%0A8. Backups%3F We don%27 %2ANEED%2A no steenking backups.%0D%0A%0D%0A9. E Pluribus Modem%0D%0A%0D%0A10. .... File not found. Should I fake it%3F %28Y%2FN%29%0D%0A%0D%0A11. Ethernet %28n%29%3A something used to catch the etherbunny%0D%0A%0D%0A12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted%3A Re-boot Washington D.C %28Y%2FN%29%3F%0D%0A%0D%0A13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor%27s Pentium.%0D%0A%0D%0A14. Windows%3A Just another pane in the glass.%0D%0A%0D%0A15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .%0D%0A%0D%0A16. RAM disk is %2Anot%2A an installation procedure.%0D%0A%0D%0A17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...%0D%0A%0D%0A18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key%0D%0A%0D%0A19. ASCII stupid question%2C get a stupid ANSI%21%0D%0A%0D%0A20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.%0D%0A%0D%0A21. Error%3A Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.%0D%0A%0D%0A22. %22640K ought to be enough for anybody.%22 - Bill Gates%2C 1981%0D%0A%0D%0A23. Press any key... no%2C no%2C no%2C NOT THAT ONE%21%0D%0A%0D%0A24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...%0D%0A%0D%0A25. REALITY.SYS corrupted%3A Reboot universe%3F %28Y%2FN%2FQ%29%0D%0A%0D%0A26. Error reading FAT record%3A Try the SKINNY one%3F %28Y%2FN%29%0D%0A%0D%0A27. Hit any user to continue.%0D%0A%0D%0A28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.%0D%0A%0D%0A29. Backup not found%3A %28A%29bort %28R%29etry %28P%29anic%0D%0A%0D%0A30. %28A%29bort%2C %28R%29etry%2C %28G%29et a beer%3F